Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Heat and Exhaustion Equal Crankiness

Every school year I change:  I AM WORN OUT.   The new schedule and the heat are a deadly combination.

School started Monday.  And the preschool does not stagger attendance in the beginning so all 14 little ones showed up at the same time.  And their teachers from last year came right along with them.  Can you spell ANNOYING?  The adults have got to go. There are way too many bosses in one room.  To whom do you listen?

Today is going to be different.  We have 2 long confusing days under our belt and it's time to stand up straight and take charge.

I've been taking charge of several things lately and it feels good.   Had a strong talk with Cruella yesterday evening.  And for the first time in my life I set up some limits.  She was caught off guard and shocked, I'm sure.  It didn't change her attitude or her sassy ways but it sure felt good to change mine.  The "Kick Me" sign came off and I took charge. Deal with it.

I also had another one of those moments when you have no doubt in your mind that our Lord and Savior spoke directly to you.  It was as if I heard it out loud.  It's happened to me before.   I'm sure it's from Heaven is that peace and relief that I feel in that same moment.  It's like "Oh............. you're right.  Whew.  Thanks"   Yep, I had just gotten off the phone with Cruella.  And I was angry.  Feeling spent and justified and a tad triumphant that I had stood up to her.  But as the minutes went by I began to think about the future........ and what is inevitably going to happen when she dies.  Honestly.  I thought about that.  And how awful the funeral service will be......... and how cruelly I will be treated.  And how for dang sure my kids will not attend.  But then I heard this voice.......... as if someone were in the room standing right next to me............ "You don't have to go"  And then I felt such relief.  And, well, peaceful.  It never occurred to me that I wouldn't have to go.  What?  I don't have to attend Cruella's funeral?
Funerals are for people who are left behind.  Family, friends.  You hear the expression "Paying your respects"  What you are really doing is paying respect to the family and friends who are grieving.  Obviously the dead person will not know if you are there or not as they are hopefully in a peaceful place.  And so..........  I don't have to go. Whenever and wherever it is.  When it happens.  All the ruckus and stress and idiocy that will go along with it............ I don't have to go.  WOW!  I DON'T HAVE TO GO!!!  I can decide in my own way what I can do.  And then it dawned on me.  When the day comes.......... I have a plan.  Thank you for the peace that passes all understanding.
Until that time I'll have many many horrible events.  I'm not looking forward to them.
But now I know I have it in me to set the limits and make sure they are not compromised.
Here's what I've decided:
I don't want to talk anymore
I never want to visit
I never want to go to her house
I never want her to come to my house
I do not want to invite her to any social events in the future.  Ever.
I am angry.
I am frustrated.
I've passed through the grieving into the anger phase.  I can feel a sense of disinterest.  Like that person who made fun of you once in junior high.  It embarrassed you and all that and you hated them.  But now you can think back on it and although you still remember how awful it is and you, frankly, still hate the bully........... you're past it.  It's not something you think about every day.  It's almost like you forgot about it.
I've forgotten. Not about the anger.......... but I just don't include it my routine.

I don't care.
And I don't want to care
And I may never care again

Tomorrow this blog will be back to normal.  :_

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